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Substandard by Design

A Scathing Consumer Recall of the Weird and Flawed Human Body

4 chapters · 9,397 words · ~43 min read

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POPULAR SCIENCE / HUMOR

Congratulations on your purchase of the Homo sapiens chassis. Please discontinue use immediately. As an upright ape, you are currently operating a biologically substandard unit assembled from scavenged quadrupedal parts, held together with evolutionary spit, and prone to catastrophic mechanical failure. Your spine is an overburdened architectural disaster that collapses under its own weight. Your primary air supply crosses directly over the solid-waste disposal chute, ensuring that dinner is an active choking hazard. Your eyes are wired backward, forcing your brain to photoshop out a permanent blind spot in your field of vision, while your vestigial hardware—from the flammable appendix to involuntary fur-fluffing on hairless skin—remains stubbornly installed. Substandard by Design is a ruthless, scientifically verified consumer recall of human biology. From nerve detours routed through your chest to panic alarms triggered by spreadsheets, this is the definitive, laugh-out-loud inspection report on the most defective ape on Earth.

Contents · 4 chapters

1. Chassis and Suspension: The Bipedal Mechanical Failure
2. Plumbing Disasters: The Fatal Crossroads of Ingestion and Exhaust
3. Sensor Packages: Backwards Wiring and Nerve Detours
4. Operating System Glitches: Vestigial Junk and Firmware Panic

Substandard by Design

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